Dreams and nightmares

A lost of the time when I go to bed I can't even close my eye without seeing horrible things. It usually means I am going to be having nightmares all night. I don't always remember them but I remember I could write a top selling thriller out of them. I also remember some of them are more then horrific, but just wrong. Last night I don't remember what I was seeing but I remember being somewhat awake and reaching out to something, (I hit Matt in the face a couple of times) and then I fully woke up and realized what I was doing. The result of this is little to no sleep. It might be worse lately because I attempted to start a diet that my body was not healthy enough to try. It's called the paleo diet. You take out all carbohydrates and eat as much fatty meats, veggies and lite fruits. It was to much a dramatic change so rapidly. My body is not healthy enough for that. Otherwise I am doing alright. I passed both my classes last quarter, I'm taking the summer off to find out what is wrong with me. My condition seems to be getting better with the upped dosage of the meds I'm taking as long as I don't over do it. The only thing I don't like right now is being stuck at home 24/7. Even a trip to the store is an adventure at this point. Oh well, nothing I can do right now.

Last night was a blast

No really.. last night was a blast. My lungs wanted to blast apart while my heart was stabbing me. I have no idea what the crap that was but it felt like my lungs were seizing and it hurt like hell to breath. It went on for at least fifteen to twenty minutes! I couldn't breath through most of it, I was gasping for air and was curled in a ball. I hope that doesn't happen again. My ribs, lungs and heart are very sore today., it hurts to hold myself up to type this at my computer. I hope the doctors get their butts in gear and help me find out what is wrong with me. Why am I going through this pain?! I am a good nice person that is out to help people. First I'm "crazy" so the doctors didn't think anything was wrong and then they actually start testing and BAM! Something must be wrong but not enough to get going fast enough. I have to wait until September to see a specialist. This sucks.

Updates are always fun

I don't know how many times I have cried this week. I know it's far more then anyone has seen. I'm down to one working limb now. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to use my cane because my arm is starting to give out. When that happens, I won't be able to use my wheelchair either. Sadly I can't just switch hands because my left arm is starting to go as well. Soon, I'm sure my left leg will start going. Then I'm shit out of luck aren't I? I don't know what I'm going to do about getting around anymore if I can't use my cane or my wheelchair. I can't be bed ridden, that will drive me nuts and I wont get anything done. The Doctors aren't doing anything. Bastards. If they had only done their jobs in the first place I might be ok, or at least on recovery instead of endure extreme pain and losing functioning in all of my limbs. These daily headaches are driving me crazy and it's getting hard to breath sometimes. But only when the pain shoots through or a bit after. I've gotten good at hiding it, when it's getting bad. But people are making it easy by not looking either. I am not surprised. Everyone here has there own problems and everyone's seem worse then the others. I'm going to be driven mad if I end up not being able to move. So much for not taking medication to for whatever crazy they list me as now-a-days. But that will come when it comes. For now, I just have the pain to worry about. Everything else will come in it's own time.

Updates

I have tests scheduled for Friday the 3rd, so this Friday. I will be getting an MRI at 6:30 am and then a nerve conductor test and EKG at 8:30am. I'm not worried so much about the MRI, I'm generally over the claustrophobic and it's needed. I am worried about the nerve conductor test however. If you don't know, this consists of them jabbing a needle into your muscle (probably my leg)and having me move about so the doctor can gage the reaction of the muscles. This wouldn't be so bad because they numb the area the needle goes in if it wasn't for the fact that I hate needles. I won't be alone though. Matt is going to stay as long as he can then go to work and my friend and roommate Shawn will be with me.
I do think that if the doctors had done these tests when they were first scheduled and suggested in the beginning of April, I wouldn't be so bad off because we might have a clue as to what the hell is going on. But it's to much for the doctors to do there jobs when it comes to us crazy people because thats all we are, crazy. Thusly nothing physically can be wrong.
So I have had to endure intense pain, crippling soreness afterwards, having to use a cane and wheelchair, because "I don't have enough information so go home with this upped dose of meds and do more activity." -Dr. (not saying names here) OSU general doctor. Two months later, OK, now that things are far more worse then before, lets get our butts in gear so you can't sue us for negligence.
I hate doctors.

This HAS been a while.

To first update, I am no longer as crazy as I once was. I think this is because I have grown up. I'm 22 now. If I had an problems, they would be unbearable now without medication. I have indeed not taken medication for appro 9 months and I'm doing fine. Mentally at least. My diagnosis got down graded from schizo-affective to Borderline personality. This fits better then schizo, but still not well. I am also in the process of getting rid of the major depression and anxiety diagnosis. I feel they no longer apply. I do not deal with depression often and when I do it's mild and manageable nor do I deal with anxiety.
Currently I am a full time at Columbus State with two weeks left for this quarter and a break for the summer coming up. It will be nice. Last quarter did go well but this one is doing much better regardless of my physical worsening.
Also while I contend with doing well in school and manage my brain form exploding, my body has decided to rebel. My right side is failing. I go through a lot of pain somewhat regularly and then paralysis randomly. But only on the right. I am confined to a wheelchair for a month unless thing get worse and I need it longer. Sadly the doctors do not know whats wrong, nor have we made progress in trying to find out. I have an MRI scheduled soon but no one has told me when. I just know it'll be sooner then I see the doctor next month. It sucks being a cripple beyond my knee having a bad week. That I could handle. This sucks a lot more.
In other news, after two years of not dating Matt after my first trip to the hospital, we started dating again at the end of January this year. I have now moved in because with three other people around and no stairs, when I fall I usually have someone around to help me. I have to carry a whistle on me. Plus everyone is very willing to help and understanding. We actually feel like a family here most of the time. Of course I am playing the Mum role. "Clean your dishes!" I enjoy it though. Makes me feel useful and I think everyone here knows that.
This cane sucks. I think I'm not using it right because it kills my shoulder. Luckily I have a wrist brace from NERO so i don't have that problem. Occasionally I can get away with using just the cane if the wheelchair is to much. I have to use it sparingly anymore though. But the wheelchair makes me use my right more then I can tolerate. Carpet and slanting sidewalks, like my home and my entire school grounds, suck.
So to wrap up, doing well enough mentally, not so much physically, still doing larps but only handicap accessible ones, dating Matt, new home that looks like I'll be here a while at least, no news from docs.
Ta-ta for now.

It's been a while

I am not going to pretend anyone is going to read this, I am not going to fill my imaginary readers in on what has happened since my last post in May. I just want to rant and feel pity for myself and no one will know but I will feel better. Thats the plan anyway.
I can help but cry. It was such a small accomplishment compared to what was taken from me, but it was finally something. So few seems to really care that I finally did it and can move on from this miserable mess. People get huge parties and at least congrats at high school graduations, what is so different about me. I know a GED isn't as good as a high school diploma and it's a few years to late but, do I not deserve that too? All the things seniors got to do was taken from me. I thought maybe, I could at least have that. But I was wrong. I barely got any responses to people when I posted on FB, I got one response when Jake posted it on the LARP forums. I am not proud of my accomplishment. I feel cheap and lonely. I feel like I didn't do good enough to have that small piece. Something I have longed for, just a piece of normality.
I guess I was fooling myself that night when I called everyone so happy. I guess I still fool myself thinking I can have a piece of something I longed for and lost. That which is lost can never be found? Is that the case here? I have such a lonely existence. I can not get close to people. I can not tell people the full extent of what I am feeling. I'm lucky if I can tell people a little bit hidden in cryptic words on random FB postings.
It's times like these when I expect people to be around and do certain things that I find that I am truly alone. Everyone I have ever met, even loved, are either gone or just pushed away enough that they do not see.
But this is proof that even after all my hard work of keeping people at a distance, they can still hurt me without knowing it. I suppose I do it to myself.

I know I know......

it's been to long since I have posted anything and a lot has happened since last time I posted... lets go backwards satring from today through this month. To begin, today i found out I am not graduating next week as I was told I would be. My school told me I was done with allll my work, so i stopped going. Naturally. Then my Mum got a letter in the mail saying Truency! Truency! Truency! So this came as a big shock, of course. (I jinx myself when I said "Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong, so it has to look up from here." Said yesterday.) Anywho, I called today asking what was up. I told Mrs. Harper (the princable) I was done with all my work, why did I have a truency? She proceeded to tell me I was infact not done with all mmy work and still have 5 classes to go. Imagine my surprise when she told me this as I was told I was done by someone else, and had no more classes on my agenda online. Shhhooooo, to top it all off, I asked if I had anymore classes a month ago, and someone said they would add them to my agenda. Never did so I assumed I was done when another person said, "You are done." So now I have to wait till winter to graduate, assuming I don't just say fuck it and give up. i really want to right now and I feel I should if the only reason I'm doing it now is so I don't dissappoint my already dissappointed Mother.
Now we come to yesterday adn I guess I ahve to explain the past couple of days at once in order to understand all of yesterday. So, I got kicked out of my apartment by Melanie because we had a dispute about her treating me like a dog and her not wanting to change that, I quote, "This is who I am and you will have to deal with it." So in the end of that spat she said "You should jsut go live with you Mum again, so I posted on a few things, "I need a place to live asap, I'm tired of people hurting me." So yesterday I proceeded to move my things out of her apartment with the help of Alex, (moved into Alex and Tania's house. Yay! Save haven. Thank you guys so much.)She attacked Alex as he was about to walk in the door. So she went nuts, if Alex didn't do as he did I would have kicked her ass if not killed her for attacking him. It was only him urging me to hurry and get my things out that prevented an all out (short) brawl. She called the police and they where on our side about everything and I feel better about that. Then we got all my shit out of there and that was the end of that. (I hope.) Aside form the charges Alex smartfully pressed.
Um as for the rest of the past couple of days, I have spent all day today unpacking and moving stuff. It was relaxing and a workout at the same time. I'm worn out. This is good.
Twiggy's liver is failing but she seems to be doing better, she is eating, and seems to like the new place. I worry about Autmun, Marissa and Mallory. Melanie doesn't know how to treat animals right but she is not so bad as to call animal control. I'm still debating, but i fear I would be doing it out of spite at the moment and I don't want to do that if it's not what is best for the animals.
I'm still single... pretty happy about that actually. Last thing I need right now is drama in that department, which with my luck atm, there would be something that would go horriblly wrong.
Before today I hadn't had meds since two weeks ago. I just got them yesterday after waiting forever just to have two dollars to pay for them. Plus I forgot about them yesterday. But I am good now.
Tomorrow is NERO. I can't wait. I have a great character concept, outfit, so on so forth. It should be fun even if it does rain. Rain will be fun to play in.
Everyting else I can't think of at the moment or I am not mentioning it for a reason. Toodles for now.