The end of a blog

It's been awhile, I am aware. So update time again. The nerve problem, ended up being a lack of vitamins. It would explain a lot of physical problems from the past. Now I eat specific things and take vitamin supplements from Dr. Ratliff. (My nutritionist and chiropractor)B-12 and Vit D are apparently important and my body doesn't process it normally, as in, only about half of what I take in, is what was explained to me. Fortunately I have stopped taking the pills the doc gave me and have been using the supplements. I still get pings once in a while, but not so often. I am not wheelchair bound, I can walk normally, I'm good. I've even been going to the gym again and trying to get into track shape again. I haven't been there since the hospital. Further updates. I have already had one job and quit and have now started a new one. I worked at Vantage Point Consulting/ World Wide Marketing. It was a dream opportunity with none of the pay-out. Door to door sales, while selling something good, was not my idea of a good job. Especially when it's 102 out and I didn't bring enough water. It was a job for the stronger of will, but I need to pay bills and keep food on the table and it wasn't cutten' it. Now I have finished my first week of training at Teleperformance and it doesn't seem as bad at I have been told. Having been on the floor it looks like I will be busy enough and I have made a few friends to keep sane during the tedious training. As for the Mad Ravings, I am still odd. I have calmed down a lot and unless I'm pissed can keep fairly calm and only to an "annoyed" level. I haven't taken medication in a long time, but since I have been working, cabin fever has gone away. Three years of it should be enough. It's taken me three years to grow up, sad, but it's sooner then some people my age. At this point any illnesses associated with my name have been erased except PTSD and maybe still paranoia. I haven't been able to see Don (my therapist) because my case worker decided since I was working, she didn't need to talk to me anymore. This has since been resolve with a stern talk on my part. We will meet Thurs, and fix stuff. On another note, with the TP job I will be finally able to get rid of SSI, Foodstamps and get regular insurance. Peace of mind at last and no more leaching off the government. Matt and I are doing great. I would like him to get a job sometime soon but I can't push to hard or he will fight back. It's just how he is. It's stressful, being broke always is, but we will manage. I have three roommates, one that just left and another coming in to fill the spot. I like my roommates and Matt is one of them so it works out. Us living together this time has worked out far better then the last time. This time I haven't been to the hospital and it's been over a year. Almost two now. I read back at previous posts and think, wow, I can be a whiny B*****. But then I remember the state I was in at those times and it makes sense. This was made so I could vent about my problems and why I feel justified in being upset. Having been upset at the time I made this, but I also look and realize, things have changed. I have changed. I am far more mature, experienced, and sane. I know the breaking points I have and I know how to keep calm. I suppose this is an end to a blog. It's about the Mad Ravings of a lunatic, and sort of a diary of crazy becoming sane. But I don't see myself as a lunatic anymore, so I am no longer feeling justified in being called such. I'm not normal, but I am sane.

When mad ravings, make sense

This evening, I took ambian to better sleep. One of their side effects is sleep walking. I ended up doing so. It was not pleasant. It was about finding Jimmy Potter. I knew this kid in Elementary school in Johnstown. He was a pretty good friend. Once I was stranded at school and he rescued me through my tears. I rode home on his tire bars on his bike. It was a lot of fun, even playing chicken. He took me home and didn't ask for anything in return.
In this dream-walk I was looking for him so he could tell me who killed Amber and stabbed me. Amber kept telling me he was near by and I had to find him. I didn't have much time, but she didn't tell me time for what. I think once I get this car, I should take a trip to Johnstown for a few days. I will explore, remember, find answers, if not the ones I need. But most importantly, I will try to accept the past and let it finally let it go. This is a heavy burden that I think I am ready to let go. I will go alone, but that scares me. I can only think of one person to help me with this and there is way he would do this for me. I'm not even going to ask. I wonder if I should take my sister as well, but I don't think she remembers ANYthing from our brief stay there. I hid the bad things from her and took anything coming at her.

Not such a good time after all

I am crazy. There is no way out of it. Meds do nothing, coping doesn't do anything anymore, keeping my mind occupied is good for a time but after it's done and gone, whatever event I was doing, anything can set me off. I am saddened, I am lonely, I need help but I don't have anyone to ask anymore. I have burdened enough people that I can't bring myself to ask anyone else.
I had a major seizure this past Wednesday. I have been having minor ones every so often sense. My Doc hasn't bothered to call back and tell me what to do. I am scared, hurt, and alone. I am losing my mind slowly, but it is getting faster the me I go through with this pain. I would cut out my nerves if I could. Get the pain done for good. Even my beautiful and adorable dog is annoying the crap out of me and it's not his fault. I just can't handle much anymore. I might smother my boyfriend right now because he snores so loud, I can't sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep since last Tuesday. Typing as fast as I can and as much as I can is the only thing keeping me from snapping right now, but it's getting louder! I'm going to loose it! I can't take ythis pain anymore it, hurs so much, my lungs, I can't breath, alll i can do is type and hope I can stick through it., I it hurts! ;lskdskl,./iohmy heart!jHELP ME!!!!!!!!!

Up all day, up all night

I went to see President Obama speak at my High school yesterday. The speech was awesome and visiting my old high school and seeing the changes was great. However, I got a nasty sunburn, heat stroke and a long walk home. I think it was worth it though. I enjoyed myself and helped three people who fainted from heat stroke. I counted ten people from the crowd who dropped like flies. My friend and roommate got three of us VIP tickets so we go to stand up front and center. It was great!

In other news, my nerves are still attacking me. I am taking a lot of medication to make the worst of it go away, but the doctors finally (maybe) figured out what is wrong. Here in a few hours I will be starting a daily shot of B12 at the doc's for a week, then once a week for four weeks, then once a month for 4 months. then they will take a test again to see how much I have in my system. I have a feeling though, I am going to get sick a few times. I had to take multi vitamins (doc's orders) until I could start the shot and I get really quizy and sick every time I take one. I am terrified that it won't work. I am also afraid that since the doc mentioned it could be why I am crazy, that it won't help that either. We are going through this process to see how I process B12. If I can at all. With my current diet it doesn't make sense that it was so low. So we will see. I am hopeful and scared.

My chest attacked my tonight. It was painful. I am tired of pain. The mental and physical. I am just tired, but that may be the B12 deficient, and maybe with this corrected, I will be normal, and not have to suffer like this. Or make others suffer with me.

I have left people behind, because they hurt me to much, or I was hurting them. I am not regretful. I am hopeful, that one day, those people will see what I did for them, and me.

Dreams and nightmares

A lost of the time when I go to bed I can't even close my eye without seeing horrible things. It usually means I am going to be having nightmares all night. I don't always remember them but I remember I could write a top selling thriller out of them. I also remember some of them are more then horrific, but just wrong. Last night I don't remember what I was seeing but I remember being somewhat awake and reaching out to something, (I hit Matt in the face a couple of times) and then I fully woke up and realized what I was doing. The result of this is little to no sleep. It might be worse lately because I attempted to start a diet that my body was not healthy enough to try. It's called the paleo diet. You take out all carbohydrates and eat as much fatty meats, veggies and lite fruits. It was to much a dramatic change so rapidly. My body is not healthy enough for that. Otherwise I am doing alright. I passed both my classes last quarter, I'm taking the summer off to find out what is wrong with me. My condition seems to be getting better with the upped dosage of the meds I'm taking as long as I don't over do it. The only thing I don't like right now is being stuck at home 24/7. Even a trip to the store is an adventure at this point. Oh well, nothing I can do right now.

Last night was a blast

No really.. last night was a blast. My lungs wanted to blast apart while my heart was stabbing me. I have no idea what the crap that was but it felt like my lungs were seizing and it hurt like hell to breath. It went on for at least fifteen to twenty minutes! I couldn't breath through most of it, I was gasping for air and was curled in a ball. I hope that doesn't happen again. My ribs, lungs and heart are very sore today., it hurts to hold myself up to type this at my computer. I hope the doctors get their butts in gear and help me find out what is wrong with me. Why am I going through this pain?! I am a good nice person that is out to help people. First I'm "crazy" so the doctors didn't think anything was wrong and then they actually start testing and BAM! Something must be wrong but not enough to get going fast enough. I have to wait until September to see a specialist. This sucks.

Updates are always fun

I don't know how many times I have cried this week. I know it's far more then anyone has seen. I'm down to one working limb now. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to use my cane because my arm is starting to give out. When that happens, I won't be able to use my wheelchair either. Sadly I can't just switch hands because my left arm is starting to go as well. Soon, I'm sure my left leg will start going. Then I'm shit out of luck aren't I? I don't know what I'm going to do about getting around anymore if I can't use my cane or my wheelchair. I can't be bed ridden, that will drive me nuts and I wont get anything done. The Doctors aren't doing anything. Bastards. If they had only done their jobs in the first place I might be ok, or at least on recovery instead of endure extreme pain and losing functioning in all of my limbs. These daily headaches are driving me crazy and it's getting hard to breath sometimes. But only when the pain shoots through or a bit after. I've gotten good at hiding it, when it's getting bad. But people are making it easy by not looking either. I am not surprised. Everyone here has there own problems and everyone's seem worse then the others. I'm going to be driven mad if I end up not being able to move. So much for not taking medication to for whatever crazy they list me as now-a-days. But that will come when it comes. For now, I just have the pain to worry about. Everything else will come in it's own time.