It's been a while

I am not going to pretend anyone is going to read this, I am not going to fill my imaginary readers in on what has happened since my last post in May. I just want to rant and feel pity for myself and no one will know but I will feel better. Thats the plan anyway.
I can help but cry. It was such a small accomplishment compared to what was taken from me, but it was finally something. So few seems to really care that I finally did it and can move on from this miserable mess. People get huge parties and at least congrats at high school graduations, what is so different about me. I know a GED isn't as good as a high school diploma and it's a few years to late but, do I not deserve that too? All the things seniors got to do was taken from me. I thought maybe, I could at least have that. But I was wrong. I barely got any responses to people when I posted on FB, I got one response when Jake posted it on the LARP forums. I am not proud of my accomplishment. I feel cheap and lonely. I feel like I didn't do good enough to have that small piece. Something I have longed for, just a piece of normality.
I guess I was fooling myself that night when I called everyone so happy. I guess I still fool myself thinking I can have a piece of something I longed for and lost. That which is lost can never be found? Is that the case here? I have such a lonely existence. I can not get close to people. I can not tell people the full extent of what I am feeling. I'm lucky if I can tell people a little bit hidden in cryptic words on random FB postings.
It's times like these when I expect people to be around and do certain things that I find that I am truly alone. Everyone I have ever met, even loved, are either gone or just pushed away enough that they do not see.
But this is proof that even after all my hard work of keeping people at a distance, they can still hurt me without knowing it. I suppose I do it to myself.

I know I know......

it's been to long since I have posted anything and a lot has happened since last time I posted... lets go backwards satring from today through this month. To begin, today i found out I am not graduating next week as I was told I would be. My school told me I was done with allll my work, so i stopped going. Naturally. Then my Mum got a letter in the mail saying Truency! Truency! Truency! So this came as a big shock, of course. (I jinx myself when I said "Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong, so it has to look up from here." Said yesterday.) Anywho, I called today asking what was up. I told Mrs. Harper (the princable) I was done with all my work, why did I have a truency? She proceeded to tell me I was infact not done with all mmy work and still have 5 classes to go. Imagine my surprise when she told me this as I was told I was done by someone else, and had no more classes on my agenda online. Shhhooooo, to top it all off, I asked if I had anymore classes a month ago, and someone said they would add them to my agenda. Never did so I assumed I was done when another person said, "You are done." So now I have to wait till winter to graduate, assuming I don't just say fuck it and give up. i really want to right now and I feel I should if the only reason I'm doing it now is so I don't dissappoint my already dissappointed Mother.
Now we come to yesterday adn I guess I ahve to explain the past couple of days at once in order to understand all of yesterday. So, I got kicked out of my apartment by Melanie because we had a dispute about her treating me like a dog and her not wanting to change that, I quote, "This is who I am and you will have to deal with it." So in the end of that spat she said "You should jsut go live with you Mum again, so I posted on a few things, "I need a place to live asap, I'm tired of people hurting me." So yesterday I proceeded to move my things out of her apartment with the help of Alex, (moved into Alex and Tania's house. Yay! Save haven. Thank you guys so much.)She attacked Alex as he was about to walk in the door. So she went nuts, if Alex didn't do as he did I would have kicked her ass if not killed her for attacking him. It was only him urging me to hurry and get my things out that prevented an all out (short) brawl. She called the police and they where on our side about everything and I feel better about that. Then we got all my shit out of there and that was the end of that. (I hope.) Aside form the charges Alex smartfully pressed.
Um as for the rest of the past couple of days, I have spent all day today unpacking and moving stuff. It was relaxing and a workout at the same time. I'm worn out. This is good.
Twiggy's liver is failing but she seems to be doing better, she is eating, and seems to like the new place. I worry about Autmun, Marissa and Mallory. Melanie doesn't know how to treat animals right but she is not so bad as to call animal control. I'm still debating, but i fear I would be doing it out of spite at the moment and I don't want to do that if it's not what is best for the animals.
I'm still single... pretty happy about that actually. Last thing I need right now is drama in that department, which with my luck atm, there would be something that would go horriblly wrong.
Before today I hadn't had meds since two weeks ago. I just got them yesterday after waiting forever just to have two dollars to pay for them. Plus I forgot about them yesterday. But I am good now.
Tomorrow is NERO. I can't wait. I have a great character concept, outfit, so on so forth. It should be fun even if it does rain. Rain will be fun to play in.
Everyting else I can't think of at the moment or I am not mentioning it for a reason. Toodles for now.

teehee anyone that views my facebook should check out the new profile pic closely

So I'm feeling much better. Very drugged but feel loads better. I have an interview for the same place tomorrow at 5. Very excited. We have to call the vet tomorrow morning because the cats are being wormed and vaccinated and stool samples are being checked but the doc says I should be fine. I start shadowing at the vet office come Friday afternoon permitting the job does not want me then.
Also I have to "sing" at group tomorrow. I'm thinking "Fairies" (Celtic women)check it out on youtube. It's a very beautiful song. My hair looks great today and I have no one but Mel to show it to.
One the note of Mel, finally talked her into going to the hospital to get proper test for her chest.Hopefully we get answers. Treatable answers.
I saw Amber the other day. I also saw a bunch of roaches on me the other night while I was watching good eats with Jesse. I did not freak out even though I almost jumped up and shit myself. If anyone knows me well they know I'm terrified of roaches worse then clowns. So I did good to not react. The doc said seeing a few things here and there is normal. It's a matter of how I react to them that determines what we do about it.
Anywho off to the hospital. Toodles.

I am very very sick atm.

I'm debating whether or not I want to go to the hospital again. Probably not. I am so feverish the my cloths hurt my skin. (102o) I have been crying off and on because I'm in so much pain right now. I haven't eaten but two bowls of soup in the past two days because my throat hurts so much. I kinda wonder if it's time my tonsils came out. My head is raping my brain and my ears and burning from fever and sore from fluids draining away. I am drinking water through the pain but not much. I am gargling salt water as told by the doc, and taken more thera-flu then prescribed.
On another note, I'm super depressed and angry because I had a second interview with BWWs and the manager that was suppose to interview me didn't call when he called off work.

Blue eyes red hair

So. The end of the month. "Why sir, you could almost pass for a gentleman." (random quote from the movie I'm watching.) Anyway, much has happened. I have a wonderful boyfriend, possibly a job, (at B Dubs), I have moved out with a good friend of mine and things are just going well all around. A few tiffs here and there, but nothing of to much concern.
I don't have a lot of concerns at the moment to top things off. Which in my opinion is a good thing. Just the normal things.
I've noticed though how much more prevalent other people seem to be concerned, worried, so on so forth. I want to help but generally people's problems are not my concern or jsut not something I know enough about to be able to help.

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

So. I am no longer single. That is all.

Teehee, no it's not. I love the guy. I really do. I want to be able to tell him on a regular bases but he is afraid of the word, for a reason I can only guess. He however be in South Carolina for my Birthday tomorrow, kinda sad but its for work so nothing I can do about it, no sense in worrying about it.

I will be turning 21. Tonight however is when we are doing the whole drinking part. Lemon drops, long island ice teas, and other cocktails nonsense. I'm kind of excited but in the long run, not really.

I'm so exhausted from all the work we have been doing to the yard. It will be worth it on the long run but for now, I have to suffer. My neck and back are killing me. I bet tomorrow is not going to be much better.

I miss my guy already. :(
Hopefully I'll see him once he gets home.

On another note, Westerville larp is up and running and as usual, fun. Come out and play.

Other then that, not much else to report atm.

I'm done doing chapter names (I can't keep track lol)

Today was a very good day. As has been the past few weeks. I don't know what OSU did or Don (my therapist) for that matter, but things have been great, my life is still pretty shitty but I have a different light on it. I haven't been sabotaging myself lately either. Big bonus.
I went for a short bike ride today, it was raining and cold and I started to get light headed. Apparently I forgot to eat before I left.
Typing without looking is getting better! BTW.
I'm still having problems with my computer. I'm beginning to hate vista more and more.
Matt and Heather are getting on well, I'm getting to know her better and she is a good match for him, I'm happy about that.
The odd thing of today was Jesse talked to me out of the blue. I'm happy he did but I'm still hurting form that whole ordeal. To better explain, we attempted to date. I went mad and blew the whole thing by being stupid and petty. He broke my heart and I can't help but still shed a tear for it once and a while. Like now so I'm going to change the subject.
We found out Pepper (our rescue cat), is 12 years old and has ear mites again.
Melanie (George) and I have been hanging out a lot and I have enjoyed the company, she helps me stay busy so I don't go crazy. George is my girl! (had to do a shout out)
We got a new Puppy! His name is Goose. The shelter named him Gray Goose but we shortened it. We think he is Wiemerinor/Sharpe mix. Others are saying lab too, we won't know till his eyes are done changing colors. Right now they are a bright blue and we think Sharpe because of the tail curl and spots on his tongue. Mum really hopes not chow but he has already proven to be very smart so far, at ten weeks!! He knows Come, sit, stay and he is almost potty trained.
I'm still waiting for SSI to come through so I'm still broke as hell. But even that has a new light. I'm slowly learning, with help, that my friends don't care about that and it's not as necessary as I was raised to believe. True I am limited to what I can do, but we don't generally do things that cost money and there seems to always be something to do. I enjoy "just hangin" (although I'm trying to convince people to get bikes so I'm not alone on bike rides lol)
It's been a while since I've updated, I've been hearing complaints as to my not doing so. So I will try to better rectify that, in the meant time, here is this one. Enjoy!

Chapter Twelve: Once again I've hurt someone without meaning to.

I'm off to the hospital again. I'm worried about my own safety and the safety of others atm. I am sabitaging my own life. This is great.

Chapter Eleven: Just a taste

Not to long ago
Rebecca Rose
I was hurtin pretty bad till you came round
I was a poor lonely girl just dredging around
Lonely and hurt I thought I was done and gone
Just thinking I was the worlds biggest pawn
But now that I sit here I have hope
It makes my mind easy to cope
I think about the perfect situation to kiss
Then I think more and my mind goes amiss
You call it Midwestern hospitality I call it cowboy
Holding your hand would be a delicious joy
I hope you like this you know who its for
Perhaps if you do I'll even write more
This crush isn't old but the feelings are
Maybe even one day they will be above par.

Chapter Ten: giddy as a school girl

Only a few people know how to turn my very red. Well, Joe now knows how. I feel like I'm in high school again. Lol. It's a nice feeling to have, since I missed a lot of my high school things. I have another date set up with Joe. I can't wait. But I will see him on Sunday too. /giddy chirp. /sigh I'm such a dork. I'm an old romantic. I have to be careful though. I must keep my distance for a bit, at least till I know him better. I almost kissed him on our first date, but I with held to keep modesty.

On another note, I missed my bus today. So I'm going to be on the computer all day doing school work.

Chapter Nine: depression hits hard today

I just want to be that old couple that everyone looks up to because they have been together for years upon years, and they are still in love. I know I'm only twenty but that's what I want. /sigh. I don't fear a lot of things, but that is one thing I do fear. Not having that one day. The movie "Up" kind of reminded me of that. I think my depression is kind of hitting me today. I think LARP will do me some good.

Chapter eight: Bordem again......

Alrighty...I'm bored again. Later I'm hanging out with my friend Alan (my baby brother!)But that is not till later. :( In the mean time I am watching Mum play her Luxor game, training the dog (Bob) to run on a treadmill and and sitting here doing this. Omg I'm bored out of my mind. I would play WoW but its been so boring lately that I have no desire to play. I would go ride my bike but the loose dogs around here are dangerous. So every tens seconds I check my mail, check my myspace and facebook so on so forth. I think I'm going to go sleep again or read my book till I fall asleep. Kristal is at a birthday party so all is quiet for now.

Chapter seven: I feel like a giddy school girl

I had a date last.... IT WAS GREAT! I can't wait till the second one. Teehee! We ate at Max and Erma's, saw Daybreakers, (good movie) AMC annoyed me though by enforcing there no food policy which I guess is no longer against the law. Before the movie we hung out at Starbucks and chatted (did you know there is three Starbucks in Easton)We talked about a bunch of stuff, I was enthralled all night. Joe was very charming and gentlemen like.

On another topic I had school yesterday, I have found I am bringing my own keyboard to class. Otherwise it was fun. I'm happy I'm going.

Chapter six: The end of today.

/sigh it's been a long day. I've been so bored. Tomorrow morning though I get enrolled into school. I'm excited. I hope all goes well. I'm sort of nervous.
On another note, I hate Lexie. She stole my boyfriend, she is a terrible person and now she is dating a good friend who is naive and desperate. And Matt of course is the one who set them up because hes stupid. Now I can't see my babies without seeing her. /shiver she touches my babies... hate..loathing.... grrr.
Any ways, I talked to Joe today, it was a little less then appeasing, as he tried to give me "advise" that I had to roll my eyes at. Talking about my bluntness, "You'll grow out of it once you get older." I had to bite my tongue. /snicker. I told him why I am honestly blunt and not afraid to dump all knowledge of the extent of my crazy on him. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding it and the fact that, that is who I am. I am blunt and not afraid. If you don't like it, as I told him nicely, then why would I want to hang out with someone like that. He decided to tell me it did not phase him and that he is very blunt as well. Made me think of why he would tell me it would grow out. Lol. Now it's just funny. But to be fair he was trying to warn me not to dump things on people like that without a little finesse, and I guess I can try but it doesn't feel right. I would feel like I'm hiding it. After thirteen years of hiding stuff, I don't want to any longer. It was just the "I'm older and wiser" tone that got me. Not so much the advice. I understand he is very smart though and that is a huge turn on. He is only 6 years older then me, and considering my "uniqueness" that is not much of a age difference for me.
Oh well. I'm pretty much over it. I just hope he doesn't try to give me advise again unless it's valid, which I guess again to be fair, he doesn't know me very well or my odd reasoning for things. But I will have to relate to him, I have a reason for everything I do. And most of it makes seance (sp?).
I think I'm just very picky. And for good reason. However I'm still interested and am still giddy about our date next Friday. Teehee.
That is pretty much wrap up for the night. I'll get on tomorrow morning and let you know how the school thing goes. :)

Chapter five: If he responds I know he's crazy... I can deal with that!

So Joe and I (the guy I have a crush on) have been going back and forth through gmail talking about ourselves. I told about school, told about my being a nut to a small extent but the whole picture. Now I just wait and hope he responds.
Teehee he is a WoW addict too! He's turning out to be perfect so far... lol. I'm such a nerd when I think a guy that plays WoW makes him perfect. I know better then that. I'm still weary but the more we talk the more interested I get. Still I don't want to end up in a relationship like I did with Matt. I learned that lesson and now I'm being extra careful. I hope. Anyways we have a date set up for next Friday. He was one of the lucky few going to Midwinter (a gathering of a bunch of LARPs in Milwaukee)so we could not set that up for this week. I can wait.
I feel like a giddy school girl. It's been so long (over 5 years) since I had gone on a date with someone I didn't already know.
On another topic, I'm mad at a friend. I'm trying to not be because I understand what he is going through and have been in the same boat, but now that I'm getting it from the other end, I more understand what it's like for the other person and can't help but be upset. Sleep took most of the edge off though. After being nothing but nice and not anyway using, of him, he took his anger out on me and grr. Oh well. I'll get over. It's not like I'm not used to it from others, it was just a shock from him.
New topic, I have nothing to do today. I am going to be bored. I think I'll sleep most of the day. I could play WoW but I'm in south shore. SOOOO boring.I hate lvling.
On another note I want my old body back! I feel unhealthy. I need to work out again. I was fine till looked at old pictures of when I was in Arizona. Besides the flat boobs I think i looked pretty damn good. Besides the bad hair cut. I am beginning to feel self conscious again. Stupid meds.

Chapter Four: Is he crazy!?

So last night at larp this guy I kinda have a crush on, (if I didn't misinterpret)asked me out. I'm excited!I hope he calls soon. However.... he does not yet know the extent of which I am actually crazy, instead of just playing a crazy vampire. I'm wondering if I should just dump it all at once or just slide things in as I go. Guys reading this out there, which would you prefer?
As for Benny, I don't know. I think I'm desperately trying to find someone right now and am willing to put myself out to date someone 2000 miles away from home. To be honest he is a bit volger now that he is opening up, and he is, as a friend told me, ruining his life by getting in trouble for drinking so much. In the military no less. So I think I'm not going to go that route. I can do better. Like the guy I have a crush on.
Now I do have to be careful. I don't know him all that well, all I can go off of is the few times we have talked, how he composes himself when I'm not around, (I watch everyone) and the vibe I get off of him. So far so good. He doesn't live in Columbus but he not 2000 miles away either. Once I get a car I can handle a drive to Cincinnati sometimes.
For the rest of my life today at least, I am helping a friend move into her apartment. Then I'll probably be helping her finish packing and unpacking, so I think I have a busy day a head of me. That is fine by me.

Chapter three: Boredum

I have nothing to do today but play world of warcraft. I am trying to get friends to hang out with but this is proving difficult as we are all broke. This is the part of my life when having no income sucks.
We have a rescue cat named Pepper. He has feline HIV. He shouldn't be around other cats as it is spreadable but he was so miserable by himself in his room we let him out. But we are watching him like a hawk. SO far so good, he could care less about the other cats and they could care less about him so we may let him stay out but we need more time to observe.
Kristal (my sister) and I have been going at it like raving lunatics. We have been fighting a lot. I'm not sure why but I am falling back into the "Mum" role with her to help my Mum get her to do chores and such. I don't like that we are fighting but she is so lazy. I'm tired of going back over everything that she "cleans".
Larp last night was fun. The Prince of Dayton was taken and a friend of the malkavains (the clan I play) is now Prince for the moment. It was very fun.
As for my mood today, I'm feeling pretty good for being bored. I might go to a mage game. Yay! Social interaction!

chapter two

The mad ravings of a lunatic

Chapter two: A few days later

I”m doing good today. I'm going to see my therapist on Friday, I get enrolled into focus learning next Wednesday. Focus learning is a program, I can get into (hopefully free) to get my high school diploma. I didn't graduate because I couldn't pay the bills and hold a full time job and do school at the same time.
I'm currently listening to Sara Bareilles' album. One of my favorites. Mum is playing God of war, the cats as usual are climbing all over Mum. My sister is asleep.
I have been hanging with friends a lot. Either that or it's one doc appointment after another. I don't mind really. They help because I'm one of those few that wants help. I have dreams I want to accomplish. Dreams that with some hard work will be accomplished. Though is still wish I could win the lottery, but as I don't see that happening any time soon....
Soon I'm not living with my Mum but instead visiting for a while till I am well enough to be at my apartment again. I recently got out of the hospital because being alone with nothing to do does not bode well for me. But over all its been a good couple of days. My depression has been minimal, I have not seen or heard anything, my anxiety has not been through the roof and I've gotten a good amount of sleep.
Good days my be boring for you to read but they are good none the less.

chapter one

The mad ravings of a lunitic

Chapter one: The first day

Hi, I have schiztsoaffection disorder, major depression, and anxioty disorders. I, am a lune. I have good days and bad days. This day happens to be a bad day. I do soemthing called LARP. (live action role playing). It's loads of fun but if I get to much into character it can effect my mood in both a good waya nd a bad way. Well tonight it was in a bad way. The cable company did not help this. Niether did being depressed and lonely to begin with help either. I don't want to be honest here about everything because then I have to be honest about everything to myself and I'm trying to convince myself about things pertaining ot an ex that I need to veiw strickly as a friend and not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Just that statement alone makes me want to cry so I'm going to shut up about that now.

So the cable company decided to be rude and unhelpful so with my limited but above average knowledge of computers I had to fix my internet problem myself. As I really needed something to take my mind off the rude and annoying night I had that wasn't even real because that was all in character. I know right, I'm really apzzing over a game. It's not even the fact that I'm obsessing over it but when I feel that strongly in character it kind of boils over to reallife stuff and when you get rude people on the phone not helping you, that makes things worse. I really just want to beat things up right now. I was talking to my firend but he ran away appareantly, (off the IM chat we were on). I really want to talk to my ex but if I do I will end up breaking down inot tears right now because I'm very deppressed and anrgyand lonely and so on so forth in that direction.

So new topic. Something cheerful. I don't know, oh wait, just thought of one. Ok so I went to a different LARP today that was tons of fun. I was a little upset at the end of the game when the “prince” yelled at my character but it was in character and I wasn't really feeling it so it didn't bother me for long. (Totally lying there). Anywho, otherwise I had a blast. My ex (Matt), was there as well as he attends all the LARP games I go to. So if I want to continue my LAPRing I have to see him which makes thing hard especially when he finds a girl and starts bring her to LARP as I'm predicting will happen sooner then I would be ready for. But hopefully I will be dating my Navy man and I have some pretty cool friends that will help me through it and a cool Mum that will be there double time.

My Mum has been there so much the past seven months. The past months have been the hardest for me as I have been kicked out of my home, broken up with by the love of my life, gone to a mental institution twice, attempted suiside twice, lost my job through my own fault, had no income since then (back in April and it's now January), and have had a general rough time dealing with everything hitting me in the face with a giant club.

By the way, my nailpolish is chipping because I keep cleaning my nails with my teeth and ya. Thought you should know that. It was red. Now it's just spots of red.

Anywho, so I'm twenty years old and have lived the life of a forty year old. This saddens me.

But now I have new hopes for myself. I'm going back to school to get my diploma and go to school to be a veteranarian.

I just found out I can't stop crying just thinking about all this and I'm crying right now as I type this. I'm trying to listen to happy music and think about the future but I can't stop thinking about the past and how I feel about everything happening right now.

When I cry, my eyes turn bright blue. It's actually quite beautiful when the red puffy goes away. I wish I could pour my heart out to someone right now but I can't because it's one thirty in the morning and everyone is asleep. I feel so alone right now. I have no one to cuddle up with when I'm upset and Benny (Navy man), is trying to make me feel better but texting sucks. I wish he had some sort of IM it would be so much easier to pour my heart out and just have someone to talk to.

The song I'm listening to right now says “Love isn't love till you give it away.” Well I gave it away and got crushed and look at me now. I'm still hurt by it. I”m terrified of another relationship because I don' want to get close to someone like I did Matt and end up like I did when we broke up. I'm scared.

Alrighty I have stopped crying.