Not such a good time after all

I am crazy. There is no way out of it. Meds do nothing, coping doesn't do anything anymore, keeping my mind occupied is good for a time but after it's done and gone, whatever event I was doing, anything can set me off. I am saddened, I am lonely, I need help but I don't have anyone to ask anymore. I have burdened enough people that I can't bring myself to ask anyone else.
I had a major seizure this past Wednesday. I have been having minor ones every so often sense. My Doc hasn't bothered to call back and tell me what to do. I am scared, hurt, and alone. I am losing my mind slowly, but it is getting faster the me I go through with this pain. I would cut out my nerves if I could. Get the pain done for good. Even my beautiful and adorable dog is annoying the crap out of me and it's not his fault. I just can't handle much anymore. I might smother my boyfriend right now because he snores so loud, I can't sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep since last Tuesday. Typing as fast as I can and as much as I can is the only thing keeping me from snapping right now, but it's getting louder! I'm going to loose it! I can't take ythis pain anymore it, hurs so much, my lungs, I can't breath, alll i can do is type and hope I can stick through it., I it hurts! ;lskdskl,./iohmy heart!jHELP ME!!!!!!!!!

Up all day, up all night

I went to see President Obama speak at my High school yesterday. The speech was awesome and visiting my old high school and seeing the changes was great. However, I got a nasty sunburn, heat stroke and a long walk home. I think it was worth it though. I enjoyed myself and helped three people who fainted from heat stroke. I counted ten people from the crowd who dropped like flies. My friend and roommate got three of us VIP tickets so we go to stand up front and center. It was great!

In other news, my nerves are still attacking me. I am taking a lot of medication to make the worst of it go away, but the doctors finally (maybe) figured out what is wrong. Here in a few hours I will be starting a daily shot of B12 at the doc's for a week, then once a week for four weeks, then once a month for 4 months. then they will take a test again to see how much I have in my system. I have a feeling though, I am going to get sick a few times. I had to take multi vitamins (doc's orders) until I could start the shot and I get really quizy and sick every time I take one. I am terrified that it won't work. I am also afraid that since the doc mentioned it could be why I am crazy, that it won't help that either. We are going through this process to see how I process B12. If I can at all. With my current diet it doesn't make sense that it was so low. So we will see. I am hopeful and scared.

My chest attacked my tonight. It was painful. I am tired of pain. The mental and physical. I am just tired, but that may be the B12 deficient, and maybe with this corrected, I will be normal, and not have to suffer like this. Or make others suffer with me.

I have left people behind, because they hurt me to much, or I was hurting them. I am not regretful. I am hopeful, that one day, those people will see what I did for them, and me.

Dreams and nightmares

A lost of the time when I go to bed I can't even close my eye without seeing horrible things. It usually means I am going to be having nightmares all night. I don't always remember them but I remember I could write a top selling thriller out of them. I also remember some of them are more then horrific, but just wrong. Last night I don't remember what I was seeing but I remember being somewhat awake and reaching out to something, (I hit Matt in the face a couple of times) and then I fully woke up and realized what I was doing. The result of this is little to no sleep. It might be worse lately because I attempted to start a diet that my body was not healthy enough to try. It's called the paleo diet. You take out all carbohydrates and eat as much fatty meats, veggies and lite fruits. It was to much a dramatic change so rapidly. My body is not healthy enough for that. Otherwise I am doing alright. I passed both my classes last quarter, I'm taking the summer off to find out what is wrong with me. My condition seems to be getting better with the upped dosage of the meds I'm taking as long as I don't over do it. The only thing I don't like right now is being stuck at home 24/7. Even a trip to the store is an adventure at this point. Oh well, nothing I can do right now.

Last night was a blast

No really.. last night was a blast. My lungs wanted to blast apart while my heart was stabbing me. I have no idea what the crap that was but it felt like my lungs were seizing and it hurt like hell to breath. It went on for at least fifteen to twenty minutes! I couldn't breath through most of it, I was gasping for air and was curled in a ball. I hope that doesn't happen again. My ribs, lungs and heart are very sore today., it hurts to hold myself up to type this at my computer. I hope the doctors get their butts in gear and help me find out what is wrong with me. Why am I going through this pain?! I am a good nice person that is out to help people. First I'm "crazy" so the doctors didn't think anything was wrong and then they actually start testing and BAM! Something must be wrong but not enough to get going fast enough. I have to wait until September to see a specialist. This sucks.

Updates are always fun

I don't know how many times I have cried this week. I know it's far more then anyone has seen. I'm down to one working limb now. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to use my cane because my arm is starting to give out. When that happens, I won't be able to use my wheelchair either. Sadly I can't just switch hands because my left arm is starting to go as well. Soon, I'm sure my left leg will start going. Then I'm shit out of luck aren't I? I don't know what I'm going to do about getting around anymore if I can't use my cane or my wheelchair. I can't be bed ridden, that will drive me nuts and I wont get anything done. The Doctors aren't doing anything. Bastards. If they had only done their jobs in the first place I might be ok, or at least on recovery instead of endure extreme pain and losing functioning in all of my limbs. These daily headaches are driving me crazy and it's getting hard to breath sometimes. But only when the pain shoots through or a bit after. I've gotten good at hiding it, when it's getting bad. But people are making it easy by not looking either. I am not surprised. Everyone here has there own problems and everyone's seem worse then the others. I'm going to be driven mad if I end up not being able to move. So much for not taking medication to for whatever crazy they list me as now-a-days. But that will come when it comes. For now, I just have the pain to worry about. Everything else will come in it's own time.

Updates

I have tests scheduled for Friday the 3rd, so this Friday. I will be getting an MRI at 6:30 am and then a nerve conductor test and EKG at 8:30am. I'm not worried so much about the MRI, I'm generally over the claustrophobic and it's needed. I am worried about the nerve conductor test however. If you don't know, this consists of them jabbing a needle into your muscle (probably my leg)and having me move about so the doctor can gage the reaction of the muscles. This wouldn't be so bad because they numb the area the needle goes in if it wasn't for the fact that I hate needles. I won't be alone though. Matt is going to stay as long as he can then go to work and my friend and roommate Shawn will be with me.
I do think that if the doctors had done these tests when they were first scheduled and suggested in the beginning of April, I wouldn't be so bad off because we might have a clue as to what the hell is going on. But it's to much for the doctors to do there jobs when it comes to us crazy people because thats all we are, crazy. Thusly nothing physically can be wrong.
So I have had to endure intense pain, crippling soreness afterwards, having to use a cane and wheelchair, because "I don't have enough information so go home with this upped dose of meds and do more activity." -Dr. (not saying names here) OSU general doctor. Two months later, OK, now that things are far more worse then before, lets get our butts in gear so you can't sue us for negligence.
I hate doctors.

This HAS been a while.

To first update, I am no longer as crazy as I once was. I think this is because I have grown up. I'm 22 now. If I had an problems, they would be unbearable now without medication. I have indeed not taken medication for appro 9 months and I'm doing fine. Mentally at least. My diagnosis got down graded from schizo-affective to Borderline personality. This fits better then schizo, but still not well. I am also in the process of getting rid of the major depression and anxiety diagnosis. I feel they no longer apply. I do not deal with depression often and when I do it's mild and manageable nor do I deal with anxiety.
Currently I am a full time at Columbus State with two weeks left for this quarter and a break for the summer coming up. It will be nice. Last quarter did go well but this one is doing much better regardless of my physical worsening.
Also while I contend with doing well in school and manage my brain form exploding, my body has decided to rebel. My right side is failing. I go through a lot of pain somewhat regularly and then paralysis randomly. But only on the right. I am confined to a wheelchair for a month unless thing get worse and I need it longer. Sadly the doctors do not know whats wrong, nor have we made progress in trying to find out. I have an MRI scheduled soon but no one has told me when. I just know it'll be sooner then I see the doctor next month. It sucks being a cripple beyond my knee having a bad week. That I could handle. This sucks a lot more.
In other news, after two years of not dating Matt after my first trip to the hospital, we started dating again at the end of January this year. I have now moved in because with three other people around and no stairs, when I fall I usually have someone around to help me. I have to carry a whistle on me. Plus everyone is very willing to help and understanding. We actually feel like a family here most of the time. Of course I am playing the Mum role. "Clean your dishes!" I enjoy it though. Makes me feel useful and I think everyone here knows that.
This cane sucks. I think I'm not using it right because it kills my shoulder. Luckily I have a wrist brace from NERO so i don't have that problem. Occasionally I can get away with using just the cane if the wheelchair is to much. I have to use it sparingly anymore though. But the wheelchair makes me use my right more then I can tolerate. Carpet and slanting sidewalks, like my home and my entire school grounds, suck.
So to wrap up, doing well enough mentally, not so much physically, still doing larps but only handicap accessible ones, dating Matt, new home that looks like I'll be here a while at least, no news from docs.
Ta-ta for now.