chapter one

The mad ravings of a lunitic

Chapter one: The first day

Hi, I have schiztsoaffection disorder, major depression, and anxioty disorders. I, am a lune. I have good days and bad days. This day happens to be a bad day. I do soemthing called LARP. (live action role playing). It's loads of fun but if I get to much into character it can effect my mood in both a good waya nd a bad way. Well tonight it was in a bad way. The cable company did not help this. Niether did being depressed and lonely to begin with help either. I don't want to be honest here about everything because then I have to be honest about everything to myself and I'm trying to convince myself about things pertaining ot an ex that I need to veiw strickly as a friend and not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Just that statement alone makes me want to cry so I'm going to shut up about that now.

So the cable company decided to be rude and unhelpful so with my limited but above average knowledge of computers I had to fix my internet problem myself. As I really needed something to take my mind off the rude and annoying night I had that wasn't even real because that was all in character. I know right, I'm really apzzing over a game. It's not even the fact that I'm obsessing over it but when I feel that strongly in character it kind of boils over to reallife stuff and when you get rude people on the phone not helping you, that makes things worse. I really just want to beat things up right now. I was talking to my firend but he ran away appareantly, (off the IM chat we were on). I really want to talk to my ex but if I do I will end up breaking down inot tears right now because I'm very deppressed and anrgyand lonely and so on so forth in that direction.

So new topic. Something cheerful. I don't know, oh wait, just thought of one. Ok so I went to a different LARP today that was tons of fun. I was a little upset at the end of the game when the “prince” yelled at my character but it was in character and I wasn't really feeling it so it didn't bother me for long. (Totally lying there). Anywho, otherwise I had a blast. My ex (Matt), was there as well as he attends all the LARP games I go to. So if I want to continue my LAPRing I have to see him which makes thing hard especially when he finds a girl and starts bring her to LARP as I'm predicting will happen sooner then I would be ready for. But hopefully I will be dating my Navy man and I have some pretty cool friends that will help me through it and a cool Mum that will be there double time.

My Mum has been there so much the past seven months. The past months have been the hardest for me as I have been kicked out of my home, broken up with by the love of my life, gone to a mental institution twice, attempted suiside twice, lost my job through my own fault, had no income since then (back in April and it's now January), and have had a general rough time dealing with everything hitting me in the face with a giant club.

By the way, my nailpolish is chipping because I keep cleaning my nails with my teeth and ya. Thought you should know that. It was red. Now it's just spots of red.

Anywho, so I'm twenty years old and have lived the life of a forty year old. This saddens me.

But now I have new hopes for myself. I'm going back to school to get my diploma and go to school to be a veteranarian.

I just found out I can't stop crying just thinking about all this and I'm crying right now as I type this. I'm trying to listen to happy music and think about the future but I can't stop thinking about the past and how I feel about everything happening right now.

When I cry, my eyes turn bright blue. It's actually quite beautiful when the red puffy goes away. I wish I could pour my heart out to someone right now but I can't because it's one thirty in the morning and everyone is asleep. I feel so alone right now. I have no one to cuddle up with when I'm upset and Benny (Navy man), is trying to make me feel better but texting sucks. I wish he had some sort of IM it would be so much easier to pour my heart out and just have someone to talk to.

The song I'm listening to right now says “Love isn't love till you give it away.” Well I gave it away and got crushed and look at me now. I'm still hurt by it. I”m terrified of another relationship because I don' want to get close to someone like I did Matt and end up like I did when we broke up. I'm scared.

Alrighty I have stopped crying.